No one likes to be an ass so why ASSume!

I know, horridly lame title. Deal.

Over the course of many years, I have had to deal with the worlds most annoying Trait:

Assumption.  Oh how I HATE assumption.  I’m human, I’m guilty of it too I’m no saint but I CATCH MYSELF before I open my big fat mouth.  (Which of course is miraculous that i have that occasional ability.)  My ex was the worst in the world when it came down to assumption, but then again he was slightly off kilter and controlling and swore up and down I was cheating on him.  Funny story, except not really. 

To me, it really isn’t that hard to just stop and think perhaps thats not what they meant by that or perhaps they aren’t saying _______ to do ______ to me or what have you. 

Or for example just because there is some swearing in a letter than im suddenly MAD oh noez!  I swear alot, and if you know me well enough you should know better than to assume I’m mad when I swear..It usually isn’t the case anyhow.

Really all assumption does these days is cause misunderstandings and rifts between friends just because one or both of them was too stupid to stop and remember:

Assume makes an ass out of you and me!

-Liv.

 

Thank you, I am aware I am not one of the unfortunate.

One of my bigger pet peeves these recent years has been discovered finally after a conversation with a friend a couple of weeks ago.   Lets use an example here;

Co-worker: “Hi there Liv, how are you doing today?”

Me: “Oh you know, exausted from having to get up so early”

Co-worker: “Well you know there are people out there who have to be up all night and some who have to work multiple jobs and some BLAH BLAH BLAH”

Me: “…”

Those sorts of comments REALLY FUCKING PISS ME OFF.   I cannot express in any way shape or form how angry that simple “people have it so much worse” comment makes me.  Really.  You asked me how I was feeling.  I told you.  Plain as that.  I wasn’t picking out a time to bitch and moan, I stated truthfully how I was feeling.

I am fully aware that there are people out there whos life sucks ass, but I do not need to be fucking humbled by you.  Any of you.  My heart goes out to those people it does, and I know I am not the god given center of the universe but if you ask me how I am feeling I am going to tell you.  I feel like shit, I feel fantastic, Im tired, Im sick. End of story.  If you want to start into this long drawn out lecture about other people then im going to a. slap you in the fucking face or b. turn my back to you and walk away.

My situation sucks for ME, that is why i will tell you i am unhappy, or i feel ill.  I wont sugar coat it and be like “well im not feeling good but other people have it worse wah wah wah”. 

Moral of the story:  I do not need anyones lectures about other peoples misfortunes, I am aware but if you ask me how I am feeling then I will tell you and I don’t want to hear about the millions of homeless.

Fucking annoying shit.

-Liv.

 

So I am not actually crazy and damaging myself with this belief!

I was perusing VA again because I never actually work at work around lunch time (and anyhow we are about to get sent home as the power is going to go off…fuckin storm) and was reading one of her more recent posts about “loving yourself” and such jargon.
indulge yourself Here:

THANK. GOD. Read it and you will understand my large amounts of joy and rapture.

SOMEONE FOR ONCE AGREES WITH ME ON THIS SUBJECT! Lord, everyone always used to tell me: “you need to love yourself, Liv! You can’t love someone until you know how to love yourself, it doesn’t work”.  I always thought bull fucking shit.  I can love better than most of those fucking balloon headed therapists.

why?

Because I will put EVERYONE before myself.  I will sacrifice almost anything for the ones I love.  Sure sometimes it can borderline idiotic how MUCH I will sacrifice but hey. 

I hate these idiot self help books.  My boyfriend (bless his heart) tried to get me to read some, but really all it did was infuriate me.  They were wrong and I knew it, because nothing made sense, it went againt everything I stood for and believed in.  Screw that shit, now that I know I’m not THAT crazy, I am sticking with what I know and fuck everyone else who says otherwise.

Ill stab you in the eye.

 

That VA, How I love her, and not really secretly! And a word on how not to hide food from me.

While I love to pretend that I am not a secret stalker or that I follow people’s blogs, updates or what have you – I have become obsessed with violent acres  through no fault of my own.  Sad, I know right?

Seriously though.  Anyhow, the point being (besides that I idolize her and have a little shrine and aspire to be as funny as her…impossibly I know)  I have finally descided that after two months of perusing reading and following I might join the Catchphrase contest, albeit a little early for the next.

Of course I thought of these in the shower while not only do i get very hot and heavy thinking about her (HAHA JOKE. nasty people.)  its a wonderful place to think. Here we go.

1.  Uniting all of the literate people against the Mommyblogger epidemic!
2.  Violent Acres: Standing up to god and his stupid lemons. Who the fuck wants lemonade?
3.  She who shits watermelons over idiocy and normalcy!
4. Taking your suggestions and critisism and shoving it in your eye.
5. I’ll eat your eyes AND piss you off, Not always in that order.
6. Kicking your ass, taking your name, and making your kids look retarded. All in a days work.
7. VA: Martyr of all against the wal-martians.
8. Knifing in the face isnt my ONLY specialty, just my favorite. stab and twist.

Yeah thats pretty much all I can do with my work frazzled brain.

Speaking of work, I would like to just make a note on how it is really a bad idea to call a pizza place, order two extra larges from Pizza Guys when im RIGHT THERE and not tell me where it is.
Oh I will find it. I will sniff it out like a fucking dog and sneak like six peices.

I am officially the fattest skinny girl EVER. at a buck ten I can pack it away with the rest of them.
By the way this sheisty pizza is fucking good.

ass holes.

 

If you choose to get behind the wheel with me, bring your will and identification.

I am a happy lady.  I live, I love, and I thrive.   I attempt in the best possible way to extend my kindness to those around me who I deem deserve it (in my little god-like way).    When I was a child, however,  after that faithful day when I was eight years old that wasn’t really the case.  I was a fucking little hellion on two legs with words and fists of fury.  It took my mother more money than I want to think of and hours of really shoddy therepy to do…pretty much nothing.  I went through two different elementary schools because my parent and her prick faced attachment called a “boyfriend” thought my darling twin sister was causing all of this chaos.  Well, I don’t blame them, really.  My mother at least was ignorant as a cow.  As for her sorry excuse of a boyfriend, he knew. Oh wait no he forgot.  That situation is for a different day. 

Then I moved away from my beautiful birth city that was my only source of solace when life and sadness got to be just too much.  I suppose I was a bit intense for a pre-teen and child.  I moved to my current location when I was twelve, just starting my seventh grade year. 

I will never forgive my mother for that ridiculous reverse culture shock from HELL.  I got even worse, even more angry and I am suprised in my isolation from the other children (for once not self inflicted) I didn’t find a gun or something and do a mass genocide of spoiled rich white bread brats.   I was a terror to my mother and my sister and everyone who ever tried to help. I hated EVERYONE.  Time passed and then I grew into my temper, into highschool and then into my ripe teenage years.  I began to have commited relationships and slowly, I grew calmer and collected and turned back into the caring angel of a girl at the age of fifteen, sixteen and seventeen. I was a wonder, I was helpful but I was tender and  easily upset at such small things.  I had diaries I had art and people to talk to in various different states. I found my own solace in the ‘burbs with a computer and imagination.  Life was awesome.  I was happy and carefree and in love.

 Then I got my drivers Lisence.  Holy sweet mother of christ.  It was somewhat of a blessing for me and a curse for everyone in the general vicinity.  At first it wasn’t so bad, I was calm and collected though a bit terrified of those moving metal death-traps around me.  Then I started having to commute longer than around the corner for my jobs.  The commutes got longer and so did my days. 

And then I became the raving lunatic bitch on the road that WILL NOT STOP for stupid pedestrians jay-walking.  Stupid people have always really annoyed me. I don’t mean mentally handicapped with birth defects. I mean white-trash ignorant self abosrbed fools that are allowed to trample around the world spreading their idiot genes.  It is depressing, I know, right? 

Who the FUCK let them drive? Well, I suppose people ask me that same question as they cling to the ‘oh shit’ handle; “WHO THE FUCK PASSED YOU ON THAT DRIVERS TEST”.  I don’t know either but I bet she hates herself.  Seriously, though, I don’t think I had ever come across that large of an amount of idiots until I started to commute longer than five miles. 

Oh and I welcomed that rage, and it came with full fucking force of the fist of an angry god.  I still cannot comprehend, the difficulty of using a turn signal.

Hello boys a girls who have entered the world of driving. Do you see that little stick poking out of the side of your steering wheel? No no, the left one.  Yes that is called a “TURN SIGNAL”.  Now what that little nifty magic wand does is alert OTHER, yes other drivers on the road what your intentions are, or why you are randomly breaking.  Uusally, when you have that on, other motorists will let you over!  See you dumb fucks if I could read your minds I would not have flipped you off and scarred your children for life for cutting me off while Im going 60 and you’re going 40.

That brings up another topic.  Do you see those little mirrors on the side? Those let you know when there are other cars behind you.  You should also take a quick glance over your shoulder because there may be someone who is about ten minutes late and counting to work barreling down the road to the freeway coming up on your side.  When you merge into those people, don’t get upset if they scream and you and blare your horn BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING LOOK OR CARE.  And if you have a problem with time-to-distance? WALK. OR RIDE A BIKE.

The next one of you bastards who pulls out infront of me on a one lane road while I am blazing about 30 over the speed limit im not going to stop, because I’m sure all of you rich fucking ass holes care more about your car then I care about mine. 

But really, I digress.  I’m not really sure what makes me think it is ok to teach every last idiot driver how to do it so they wont get murdered.  I don’t think “TEACH” is the right word, more like tail-gate them so hard that I can count the scratches on their bumpers and flicker my highbeams and when they start to get snarky lay on the horn for four or five blocks.  

The real moral of the story is: Driving can bring out the worst in people.  God forbid you ever have to drive with me. 

-Liv.

 

The Things That Make Me Want to Kill People.

I fully, more than most people, understand the desire to hate someone and ruin their lives.  Sure, I have been there done that with most every ass-hat I have come across.

How-fucking-ever, there are better ways to ruin someones life than posting information on a GODAWFUL website called 4Chan.org. For one, the pages there update every 3 god damned seconds, so it’s lost in a heartbeat and for two the people who go there are apparently very challenged.  You know, mentally.

I have heard and seen better excuses for ‘calling a wrong number than’ “Uhhh I was looking for Pizza Hut” when my area code is california and theirs is TEXAS.  So just a little lesson to those out there still:

Please. Just learn. There are juicier pictures on my myspace and facebook than the crap you are going to find on my brain’s shithole called livejournal.

 

I wonder whether or not my co-workers are stupid or just snobs.

Setting: Lobby of job. october of this year.

Me: [Enter various pleasantries with file-lady here]

Receptionist1: Hey who knows what I should do with this box-cutter

Me: You could always hijack a 747. Oooooh too soon?

Receptionist1 and 2, file girl: ……

[Crickets.]

Me: Mmmmmk… [abrupt subject change.]

 Honestly they make me wonder a bit.

 

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